NEW YEAR? KNEW THAT!

Disclaimer: If you are here to read a beautiful story about a new year’s day on a Christmas night, THIS IS NOT IT. However if you are here to read about my rants, well, read on…


First things first-- ok I realise that was an idiotic self-evident phrase-- but you get what I mean! The decade comes to an end and I decided to cash in on the euphoria that is around. This is because me getting hit, bitten, thrown, hammered, sat-upon, spat-upon is less probable if people around are happy. True story! This post is about the stupid things people do, year after year, without fail; thinking they are actually being funny. If that’s not bad enough, they also think they are being innovative. Gosh! That’s worse than windows vista. Ok, well, close to it. So here it goes: 


 

 

1.   Resolutions:

Don’t get me wrong. Resolutions are good. They give you an aim in life and all that crap. However, the thing that gets on my nerves is what the ‘creative’ people come up with: ‘I will make a resolution not to make any more resolutions.’ What the hell?? That’s as funny as a death scene. (Bollywood is an exception.) Firstly, that one’s been done to death with. Even stone-age man probably used that - right after ‘No eat fire’ and before his last one- ‘Get pet lion.’ Secondly, making a resolution not to make a resolution?? That’s illogical, self-contradictory and makes as much sense as a parachute that opens on impact.

2.       Year-end jokes:

Every year there are people who will crack these jokes without fail—and expect you to laugh, or at the very least act astonished. Eg: ‘I will take a bath next decade.’ ‘Meet you next year.’ ‘I will not sit on fb till next year’… That’s your idea of a joke??!! What’s your age? 4? That’s nowhere near funny. You should be sent back to the zoo where you belong.

3.       Tagging:

I’m sure I’m going to lose a lot of friends over this one. This is about the compulsive taggers on fb who tag every picture of 2011 with all the friends in their rapidly diminishing friend list. Believe me, I do appreciate your efforts and taking time to tag me in a pic. But honestly, the novelty wears off after the 16^th such tag. Even worse is that I get a notification every time someone comments on the pic. I seriously don’t want to know if your 2^nd cousin’s 3^rd boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend thanked you for tagging her!

4.  Bye- bye last year:

This is the worst one. And all peop-

 ~~~X~~~

 Credits to Soham S for pointing out  on his statuses the various stupid thing people do when new year is around.

Do leave you comments and feedback. And yeah, happy new year!!

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Crow Bite and the 3 dwarves

The characters involved are:
DJ: Desperate Joker- who was always...well... desperate to crack jokes or play pranks
Smelly: so called because he..er.. was.
Tally: the shortest one (The name was coined by DJ)
Crow bite: The lost princess

 ~~X~~

DJ, Smelly and Tally, the 3 dwarves, were the natives of the dense forest. Being a very...well..... uncivilized place, there was no female company, at least of the same species . The coming of Crow Bite had understandably caused quite a stir. The phenomenon was as rare as a ‘good-looking-intelligent-girl in an engineering college.’ The dwarves had immediately started fighting among themselves when they had laid eyes on Crow Bite. Ensuring after much vigorous pinching and punches to each other that she was in fact real, and not just a figment of their over-crazed imaginations, the dwarves started bickering on who would go and talk to her.

“I’ll be her friend” said DJ, “I’ll always make her laugh.”

“That may well be your funniest joke yet” countered Smelly.

“She’ll hardly be seen with a smelly person, Smelly” sniggered DJ, who had never lost an opportunity to pick on Smelly’s name.

The dwarves, who had yet to talk to Crow Bite, were already plotting against each other to gain the goodwill of Crow Bite.

“Well what do you think, Tally? You seem to be unusually quiet today” asked Smelly, trying to avoid talking with DJ.

“Oh! Do carry on. I’m planning to lie low for a while and then seize the day.”

“Haha! Lie low- as if you have any choice in that matter, Tally” chuckled DJ.

“Anyways, I see the lady approaching. Watch and learn, you thick-headed wierdos” declared Smelly.

Crow Bite, the princess, who was quite used to peeing finding peas in her bed was feeling quite overwhelmed on seeing the forest for the first time. To complicate matters further, three dwarves, muttering among themselves were homing towards her like a, well, a homing missile.

“Hi!” said the sniffing dwarf “I am Smelly and these are my friends Tally and DJ. What art thee doeth in thiseth forest, pray tell” he added, trying to impress the princess with his ‘old-style-charm’ as he referred to it.

“I can see- rather I can smell that you are smelly” said Crow Bite haughtily “I am Crow Bite, dream girl of euthanasia... er... I mean youth-in-Asia”

“Crow Bite?? What a funny name”

“Well you know- while naming me, I was supposed to take an apple bite, but I took a crow bite.”

“You mean a crow bit you?” asked Tally, surprised since crows were his closest friends.

“No, I meant what I said- I took a crow bite.”

Understanding, along with horrified fascination dawned on the grimy faces of the 3 dwarves.

“How did it tast-- ”  started Smelly, unable to stop himself.

“Smelly, that’s rather tasteless” said DJ

“Hey! I cracked another joke” he added in a surprised tone.

Crow Bite was getting increasingly frustrated. All she wanted to do was to find a way out of this dreadful forest. The awe-struck dwarves were trying to get close to her when she had shown absolutely no interest in getting to know them. And to cap all that, these freaks were trying to hold her hands! How dare they? It was time to get out.

“Oh deary me!” she started in a falsely cheerful voice “which of you fine gentlemen can lead a lost soul like me to the edge of the forest?? I will be immensely grateful to that person!.”

The poor dwarves, who couldn’t read between the lines (to be fair they couldn’t even read the lines) were quite gullible and fell over their own feet in their eagerness to help the lost princess.

Soon, they reached the end of the forest and faint traces of civilization could be seen. Immediately, the pleading look in Crow Bite’s eyes was replaced by a steely glint as she rounded on the dwarves.

“Do you really think I would go out.... rather about in the forest with dumb people like you?? Go and get a life ... in a civilized place before making passes at a lady! Uncivilised barbarians the lot of you!”

Speaking her mind quite clearly, Crow Bite stalked off, leaving the speechless dwarves behind. However, the effect was rather spoiled when she tripped on a stone and fell.

~~X~~

This post was written a while back... but for some reason, it didn't feel entirely complete. Do you think this post ends too abruptly? If yes,

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A Disturbing Call

“NO Frank. Don’t answer the phone! Its her.” shouted Rachel.

“Who? And why are you so nervous?”

“Its that lady; that creepy lady with a falsely cheerful voice. She calls me up everyday and asks for money!”

“Why?? whatever for? Is she trying to blackmail you?”

“I don’t know” wailed Rachel “She has even started to issue death threats. She says I only have to pay as long as I’m alive. Doesn’t that mean once I stop paying, I’m dead?”

“That is indeed disturbing. Before we go to the authorities, tell me exactly what she said on the phone. And I do mean exact words.”

“Don’t pressurize me, Frank. This ain’t no exam for god’s sake!”

“Ok, now I remember” she said a moment later. “She said, 'ma’am, do you want life insurance'?” 

                                                                         ~~X~~

Here's what the common reaction is after hearing the concept of insurance :-  

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DID CINDERELLA HAVE DEFORMED FEET?

Well, the title of the post is self-explanatory. Take a medium-sized town. Considering the law of probability and plain common sense, there are bound to be at least a couple of hundred women with the same shoe size; stands to logic, doesn’t it?

However, the story goes something like this- after Cinderella runs off at midnight, she leaves behind her glass slipper. The prince and his guards after searching for a long time, finally find Cinderella on basis of shoe-size. The explanation can be given by one of the foll.

Scenario 1
The guards already knew where to go. They just roamed here and there to get the extra pay for over time. Who would pay them if the very first house they visited was Cinderella’s? The harder the job, better the pay!
However, this scenario is unlikely as it assumes the guards are capable of coherent thought.

Scenario 2
The prince was a stalker. He knew all the details about the girls he liked. Hence he knew who had that particular shoe size. He asked the guards to roam around aimlessly so that no one would get suspicious. Who would like a future king to be a stalker?
Unlikely--> with a name like Prince Charming, I highly doubt he would be stalking LADIES, if you get what I mean....

Scenario 3
The guards, not the brightest of the lot, tried jamming the slipper on the wrong foot. Obviously the slipper wouldn’t  feet fit anyone! After doing this job for a long time, the guards were tired and let Cinderella try on the slipper herself. Voila! A perfect fit!

Scenario 4
Magical slippers. Need I say more?

All the above cases were a matter of chance or else the information was known before hand. The result could very well have been different. However, the following case leaves nothing to chance or magic. Also the answer need not be known previously.

Scenario 5
Cinderella had deformed feet.

Since the chances that anyone else in that town had the exact same deformity is extremely slim, it was only a matter of time before Cinderella was found. Hence proved!

Astounding logic, isn’t it? Sometime I dazzle myself by my sheer brilliance!

 ~~X~~

I agree, the post was completely crazy and a total waste of time. But hey, don’t blame me- you read the entire thing even after seeing the title.

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The high standards of news agencies

The following article is purely the product of my over-crazed imagination and total frustration. If you get offended by this article, you probably deserve it!

 The news channels (and occasionally the odd papers) which thrive on sensationalism and breaking news are at the pinnacle of the information gathering process. Operating at the highest standards of moral and ethical integrity, they impart information right from alien cows to medieval instruments of torture, often in the same ‘news’ story. What more can anyone desire?

 A recent example:

 

Its no longer about what’s true, let alone important; its more about what makes a better story, a better read. So, an 11 year old sitting on facebook and sending chain mails about a perverted ghost gets more attention than, say, a flood which killed thousands.

 Here is how the above case will be broadcasted:

 Why does the child sit on fb and not orkut? Who is the ghost? Does the child have psychological problems? Is fb safe for YOUR kid? Is fb run by ghosts? Stay tuned- interview with the perverted ghost coming right after the break!! Oh yeah, there has been flood in an insignificant part of the country which no-one really cares about. Breaking news!! Priyanka tweets about her new shoes!!

 To be fair,  it’s partly the users fault as well. People watch such broadcasts with a kind of horrified fascination, asking themselves- ‘can they really show this? Do they actually think we want to watch this?’ and just to be sure they are not hallucinating, they keep on watching. This apparently increases the ratings of the channel and induces them to sink to lower depths.

 News that the common man would actually find important and useful is blatantly ignored and fluff pieces are shown—who cares about strikes bringing the entire city to a halt?  But a blind bull, whose shitting habits foretell the future; now THAT is a story. (taking bullshit to an entirely new level.)

Apparently bollywood writers of hit movies such as ‘Desi Daru’ and ‘Roadside Beggar’ are now turning to journalism since it is a long-term job (News never gets old) with a higher pay-grade, more suited to their unique talents and also has the option of a pension!

Stay tuned, more to follow!

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