Superman: Dissecting the legend from a purely logical point of view.

Disclaimer: The following post makes as much sense as the title.

   The ultimate superhero; the guy all other superheroes want to be when they grow up.. that's how we've always seen Superman. However introducing even the tiniest bit of logic collapses the entire flimsy deck of cards.

Costume:

    Consider what Clark Kent has to go through every time danger is around:

·         Find an isolated phone booth

·         Reach the phone booth without alerting anyone

·         Loose the outer suit, shirt, tie, boots.

·         Mess up his hair.

·         Remove his glasses

·         Wear a cape

·         Wear his under garments

·         Wear red colour shoes

·         Hide all his discarded clothes so no one finds it

·         Make sure no one is observing him

·         Then emerge as Superman.

Now think about the various steps that Clark Kent has to go through if he needs to visit the loo...

     Superman does all this and DOESN’T cover up his face. Talk about a major facepalm moment. All he does is- remove his glasses and mess up his hair. That’s all. And his best friends are journalists. Even India TV would have uncovered that... after mentioning in detail what Superman eats for breakfast. 

     All the people need to do to uncover his identity is upload a pic of Superman on Google and click on ‘find similar images’.  Lex Luthor, you listening? Idiot.

Here's what just removing your glasses and messing up your hair looks like in real life:

Strenghts/Weaknesses:

Superman is an alien from the planet Krypton.  So what do you think will be more poisonous to him?

    a. Atmosphere from some other planet. (eg: Earth).

    b. Exposure to rocks from his own planet. (Admittedly radioactive)

    Yeah, option b. Right. Darwin would be turning in his grave.

Super Hearing:

  Superman can well, super hear.  Doesn’t that drive him mad? He has to hear woman gossiping. All over. All the time. Crap.

X-Ray vision:

  Consider how normal X-Rays work. The rays penetrate through skin and are absorbed by the bones.  Detection of skin and bones is only possible because skin allows X-Rays to pass and bones don't.

Superman’s X-Ray vision penetrates through everything (except lead). So how the hell does he know what’s behind that wall? His sight should go on and on and on…. Until it encounters lead. So if you want to escape from his vision, follow a very simple rule: Don’t use lead.. not even a little bit.

Nemesis:

Think about a very rich playboy with absolutely no superpowers and a major attitude problem. He gives the alien with super powers a very hard time with nothing but his wits… no, I’m not talking about Batman, this is Lex Luthor.

You would expect Superman's enemy to be well 'super-powerful' at the very least. All the comics have taught
us that the underdog always wins. So the heavier the odds against a Superhero, the better. Let's have a look at the comparison  between Lex Luther's and Superman's powers:

Superman	Lex Luthor
Super strength	Intelligence
Super hearing	Money
Invulnerability	Wears his undergarments like a normal person
Flight
Superhuman Speed
X-Ray Vision and Heat vision
Power of media (As Clark)

Is Superman stupid or what?

Giving Superman a break, let’s consider other illogical things:

Daily Planet: Don’t you people do a simple medical check up? The things you could discover! Seriously, not even a simple blood test? Or maybe even check his weight?

Lois Lane: Falls for Superman, doesn’t realise co-worker resembles him big time. Talk about investigative journalism! 

Lex Luthor: For someone who prides himself as a genius, this is plain retardness. The guy can build robots with artificial intelligence but can't perform a simple face detection program on superman.. or even a bloody fingerprint scan. He could even do the next logical thing and plant a tracking device on Superman. Sheesh!

If all else fails, while holding a hostage, why not ask Superman to reveal his identity.. or the girl dies. Bloody fool.

Batman: How can you possibly be 'best friends' with such a baboon??

Don’t get me wrong—I am a fan of superman. But unlike daily planet, I will question everything

~~X~~

Any comments? 

Oh, and there’s a new fb like button to like individual posts.. don't believe me? Click on it and see what happens.. go on.. I dare you!! If you are on twitter, follow the blog by clicking the-- well-- follow button. Duh!

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Thats ‘ma’ perpective!

Well, this post is nothing but a rant. So if you were expecting  poetic verses or literary gems, you are looking at the wrong place; and anyway, if you were looking for such things in a blog entitled ‘Fool’s Wisdom’, you need help.

This post is about those people who use ‘ma’ instead of using the more common ‘my’ eg: that’s ma pen; thats ma friend.. etc. For a variety of reasons, this just annoys the hell out of me. I mean why, why not use the word ‘my’?? Is it so difficult? I’m not just ranting for the sake of it... here are logical reasons why using ‘ma’ makes absolutely no sense

1. Length.      

     The most common reason of using slangs is to cut down the length of letters being typed. Eg: ur, brb, btw etc. This is aobviously very useful where there is a constraint on the length.. or you know, if you are basically too lazy. But ‘ma’ = 2 letters. ‘my’ = 2 letters. So why use ‘ma’???

2.  Ease of access:

    Another possible reason could be the ease of access. Unfortunately, even that is not the case. Seriously, just glance at your keyboard

It is clear from the above figure that typing ‘my’ is far easier that typing ‘ma’; especially if you use a single finger for typing.

3. Sounding hip/cool:

           Believe me, you don’t. Saying ‘ma’ does in no way make you cooler. Neither does it make you sound hip. It does make you sound like a... well like another body part that rhymes with sick. Oh, and in case you think- ‘Hey, butt all da amerikaans yuse it.’ A simple internet search will reveal that the only internet slang associated with ‘ma’ is 'Mom Alert'. Using ‘ma’ instead of ‘my’ basically makes as much sense as the lyrics of the super-awesome song Friday.

Whenever someone uses 'ma' in a sentence, I get all kinds of weird imagery, like:

That’s ma friend = mom’s friend—aunty

That’s ma den = that maddens me

Teri ma key = fine I got a bit carried away there. But you get the drift.

Seriously, if this habit is not curbed in time, it may lead to all kinds of potentially embarassing scenarios like:

                                        ^the malady pun was intended, of course.

~~X~~

I agree, this is not one of my best works. But the ‘ma’ word annoyed the crap outta me. DO stay tuned; there are better posts on the way. (Not a very difficult thing to achieve, I know). In case you are wondering where the part 2 of ‘How to use sarcasm’ is, here’s a ragecomic to inform you what happened:

 ~~X~~

I'm kidding.. the second part is in the pipeline. Expect it sometime soon!

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HOW TO: USE SARCASM

Part 1

     Well, the title is self-explanatory. This post will help you understand sarcasm and also, well, use it. Duh!

Step 1

Understanding sarcasm.

Q) Do you know what sarcasm is?

a) Yes                                    b)No                                      c)No  (sarcastically)

  If you answer is (a), Go to step 2. If its ‘no’, don’t worry. Here’s what you should do:

As your answer is no, pick one of the following alternatives:

Alternative A:

Step 1.1:  Find a wall

Step 1.2: Hold your head

Step 1.3:  Bang it against the wall

Step 1.4:  Repeat steps 1.2 and 1.3

Step 1.5:  If wall breaks, repeat procedure from step 1.1

Since you don’t know what sarcasm is, you probably had difficulty comprehending the above procedure. Hence, I’ve added illustrated diagrams.

Alternative B:

Gauging from you level of IQ, you are in any case going to just see the diagrams; therefore, I explained this alternative diagrammatically. Happy to help! (For advanced users, the previous sentence was sarcastic.)

If you answer was (c) NO (sarcastically), you should be shot dead. This is because you probably think you have the ‘awesomest’ sense of humour! Although the truth is, you can’t even make a hyena high on laughing gas, well, laugh! Even a mentally retarded 4 year old with speech impediment can crack better jokes than you. Did I hurt you feelings? No? Damn! I’ll try harder next time.

Step 2: Understanding difference between sarcasm and normal speech

 Now assuming you are still alive after the completion of step 1, the next step is recognizing sarcasm.

So, from the above example it is clear that understanding the difference between sarcasm and normal speech is potentially life saving. For all the geniuses who didn’t get it, only the last sentence in the comic was sarcastic.

Step 3: Being sarcastic

  This is a simple 2 step process

  Step 3.1: Think about what you want to say

  Step 3.2: Say the exact opposite!

  For advanced users:

  Step3.3: Exaggerate!

Example:

For beginners:

 Hey man! Cool shirt. Does not make you look stupid. At all!

For advanced users:

Hey man! Cool shirt. Does not make you look like a mentally unstable baboon with boundary issues . True story!

~~~~END OF PART 1~~~

Stay tuned part 2 will be coming soon. For regular updates on when to expect the next post do join the fb page (the link is in the upper right corner of the blog).

 

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I'm back!

 

Well, yes, I agree with you. This was one of the worst posts ever.

Dont worry, the next post will be better. Obviously anything will

be better than this piece of crap!

This time I experimented with putting an animated image in my post. And let me

tell you, inserting an animated object is way more difficult than it looks! Do let

me know if the animation adds another dimension of stupidity to my already dumb post!

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IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING

Jack: Hey Ashwin! Glad to see you on fb. Where are you these days?

Ashwin: I am feeling very amicable, thanking you. I am no longer live in Mumbai, shifted to Rajasthan quiet a long time ago.

Jack: Long time no sea then?? Hahaha!

 

Ashwin: Huh? What do you mean?

Jack: I mean you now live in a desert and…. Never mind.

Ashwin: That was an abominable joke. No wonder it leads to altercations between us. You are aberrant and everybody abhors you!

Jack: Seriously dude, did you swallow a dictionary? Can’t you just say you hate my jokes, like normal people would? Why complicate things? You writing law or something?

Ashwin: No! I has been studying for GRE. I has just finished the ‘a’ words.

Jack: Lemme guess. You are an engineer and you haven’t yet started studying grammar.

Ashwin: Both true. How you knowed that?

Jack: Engineer coz you know how all individual parts work, but have no idea how the actual thing works. And grammar because… let’s call it a lucky guess!

Ashwin: I recently started a blog to improve my vocab by righting.

Jack: er..well… good luck with your righting, Is it sarcastic? Witty?

Ashwin: Sarcastic? Whats that? Starts with an ‘s’….

Jack: Sarcastic means saying one thing and meaning something else.

Ashwin: Huh? Why? Is it used by confused people? Anyway, the name of my blog is ‘Arcane anecdotes from antediluvian annals of anthropoids.’ Here’s the link:

Jack: What??!! That literally translates to ancient and mysterious stories of mankind. In other words, you are writing about fairy tales? No self-respecting blogger would EVER write about fairy tales.

Aswin: Shut up you… you…. Abysmal fool. I will go down in the annals of history as the bestest blogger ever!

Jack: You sure you didn’t use an extra ‘n’ there?

.

.

.

.

Jack: You there?

Ashwin is offline. Do you want to send this as a message?

~~x~~

This is the first time I experimented with a complete dialogue with no introduction. So plz do leave your comments and feedback.

Btw, all the ‘a’ words used above are actually in the GRE wordlist. And finally, of course the title was selected for a reason!

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NEW YEAR? KNEW THAT!

Disclaimer: If you are here to read a beautiful story about a new year’s day on a Christmas night, THIS IS NOT IT. However if you are here to read about my rants, well, read on…


First things first-- ok I realise that was an idiotic self-evident phrase-- but you get what I mean! The decade comes to an end and I decided to cash in on the euphoria that is around. This is because me getting hit, bitten, thrown, hammered, sat-upon, spat-upon is less probable if people around are happy. True story! This post is about the stupid things people do, year after year, without fail; thinking they are actually being funny. If that’s not bad enough, they also think they are being innovative. Gosh! That’s worse than windows vista. Ok, well, close to it. So here it goes: 


 

 

1.   Resolutions:

Don’t get me wrong. Resolutions are good. They give you an aim in life and all that crap. However, the thing that gets on my nerves is what the ‘creative’ people come up with: ‘I will make a resolution not to make any more resolutions.’ What the hell?? That’s as funny as a death scene. (Bollywood is an exception.) Firstly, that one’s been done to death with. Even stone-age man probably used that - right after ‘No eat fire’ and before his last one- ‘Get pet lion.’ Secondly, making a resolution not to make a resolution?? That’s illogical, self-contradictory and makes as much sense as a parachute that opens on impact.

2.       Year-end jokes:

Every year there are people who will crack these jokes without fail—and expect you to laugh, or at the very least act astonished. Eg: ‘I will take a bath next decade.’ ‘Meet you next year.’ ‘I will not sit on fb till next year’… That’s your idea of a joke??!! What’s your age? 4? That’s nowhere near funny. You should be sent back to the zoo where you belong.

3.       Tagging:

I’m sure I’m going to lose a lot of friends over this one. This is about the compulsive taggers on fb who tag every picture of 2011 with all the friends in their rapidly diminishing friend list. Believe me, I do appreciate your efforts and taking time to tag me in a pic. But honestly, the novelty wears off after the 16^th such tag. Even worse is that I get a notification every time someone comments on the pic. I seriously don’t want to know if your 2^nd cousin’s 3^rd boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend thanked you for tagging her!

4.  Bye- bye last year:

This is the worst one. And all peop-

 ~~~X~~~

 Credits to Soham S for pointing out  on his statuses the various stupid thing people do when new year is around.

Do leave you comments and feedback. And yeah, happy new year!!

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Crow Bite and the 3 dwarves

The characters involved are:
DJ: Desperate Joker- who was always...well... desperate to crack jokes or play pranks
Smelly: so called because he..er.. was.
Tally: the shortest one (The name was coined by DJ)
Crow bite: The lost princess

 ~~X~~

DJ, Smelly and Tally, the 3 dwarves, were the natives of the dense forest. Being a very...well..... uncivilized place, there was no female company, at least of the same species . The coming of Crow Bite had understandably caused quite a stir. The phenomenon was as rare as a ‘good-looking-intelligent-girl in an engineering college.’ The dwarves had immediately started fighting among themselves when they had laid eyes on Crow Bite. Ensuring after much vigorous pinching and punches to each other that she was in fact real, and not just a figment of their over-crazed imaginations, the dwarves started bickering on who would go and talk to her.

“I’ll be her friend” said DJ, “I’ll always make her laugh.”

“That may well be your funniest joke yet” countered Smelly.

“She’ll hardly be seen with a smelly person, Smelly” sniggered DJ, who had never lost an opportunity to pick on Smelly’s name.

The dwarves, who had yet to talk to Crow Bite, were already plotting against each other to gain the goodwill of Crow Bite.

“Well what do you think, Tally? You seem to be unusually quiet today” asked Smelly, trying to avoid talking with DJ.

“Oh! Do carry on. I’m planning to lie low for a while and then seize the day.”

“Haha! Lie low- as if you have any choice in that matter, Tally” chuckled DJ.

“Anyways, I see the lady approaching. Watch and learn, you thick-headed wierdos” declared Smelly.

Crow Bite, the princess, who was quite used to peeing finding peas in her bed was feeling quite overwhelmed on seeing the forest for the first time. To complicate matters further, three dwarves, muttering among themselves were homing towards her like a, well, a homing missile.

“Hi!” said the sniffing dwarf “I am Smelly and these are my friends Tally and DJ. What art thee doeth in thiseth forest, pray tell” he added, trying to impress the princess with his ‘old-style-charm’ as he referred to it.

“I can see- rather I can smell that you are smelly” said Crow Bite haughtily “I am Crow Bite, dream girl of euthanasia... er... I mean youth-in-Asia”

“Crow Bite?? What a funny name”

“Well you know- while naming me, I was supposed to take an apple bite, but I took a crow bite.”

“You mean a crow bit you?” asked Tally, surprised since crows were his closest friends.

“No, I meant what I said- I took a crow bite.”

Understanding, along with horrified fascination dawned on the grimy faces of the 3 dwarves.

“How did it tast-- ”  started Smelly, unable to stop himself.

“Smelly, that’s rather tasteless” said DJ

“Hey! I cracked another joke” he added in a surprised tone.

Crow Bite was getting increasingly frustrated. All she wanted to do was to find a way out of this dreadful forest. The awe-struck dwarves were trying to get close to her when she had shown absolutely no interest in getting to know them. And to cap all that, these freaks were trying to hold her hands! How dare they? It was time to get out.

“Oh deary me!” she started in a falsely cheerful voice “which of you fine gentlemen can lead a lost soul like me to the edge of the forest?? I will be immensely grateful to that person!.”

The poor dwarves, who couldn’t read between the lines (to be fair they couldn’t even read the lines) were quite gullible and fell over their own feet in their eagerness to help the lost princess.

Soon, they reached the end of the forest and faint traces of civilization could be seen. Immediately, the pleading look in Crow Bite’s eyes was replaced by a steely glint as she rounded on the dwarves.

“Do you really think I would go out.... rather about in the forest with dumb people like you?? Go and get a life ... in a civilized place before making passes at a lady! Uncivilised barbarians the lot of you!”

Speaking her mind quite clearly, Crow Bite stalked off, leaving the speechless dwarves behind. However, the effect was rather spoiled when she tripped on a stone and fell.

~~X~~

This post was written a while back... but for some reason, it didn't feel entirely complete. Do you think this post ends too abruptly? If yes,

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